be the one, that listens.

Inspiration: TedTalk by Louise Evans | Title: Own Your Behaviours, Master Your Communication, Determine Your Success

One thing we all possess as human beings, is having a choice in how we behave. What attitude to show to the people around us. It’s an incredible gift, that choice. Because it can have a huge impact. How we speak, what words we choose, our (unconscious) body language. Whether we listen with the aim to to react, or to really hear (the other).

Indeed when I saw this TedTalk by Louise Evans, and her explanation of “the 5 chairs”, I was incredibly inspired.
Especially on the topic of listening and our human, reactive behaviour.

I wondered and asked myself: “how often do I actually really HEAR what the other person is saying to me?”.
The question to ask yourself, that I took out of this Talk: am I listening to really hear?
Or am I listening just to respond or react?

What is the difference? …Is there a difference?

I think so, absolutely.

When I listen, I really sit with the other.
I do my best to sit as close (as a figure of speech…) as possible to the other person. I hear the words coming out of the person’s mouth. I see the facial expressions. I try to feel what the other person’s expressing.
It arrives with me. But I have no judgement.
In that moment, all my hearing senses are switched on. My reactive senses, how ever hard that is, I try hard to not let them overtake.
Reaction comes later. If so wished. Right now, I listen.
It is a true gift, to register what the other person is telling, sharing, while flowing its thoughts out to you.
You talk : I listen.

Then, on the other hand, I hear.
Words are coming out, I hear them, and I instantly think something of it. I reply.
There’s conversation, yes. But did I just hear what the person said to me? Did I give the other person the time to finish their sentence?
Am I afraid to let a silence fall between us?
Why respond so quick, when I can also give it some more time? I hear - but I do not listen.

Actively listening to another person truly is a skill.
And it starts with having respect for what the other has to say, and having or eventually replying with no judgement.
Not replying at all - to start with.

It is hard! I tell you, I encounter myself ALL the time, finishing someone’s sentence.
Filling in the blanks.
Asking a question in between that is totally not related to the words that have just been shared.
Yes, all the time. So I tell myself to become more mindful of this behaviour.

Today, I challenge myself to really listen.